There was a time in my life when I struggled with the idea of sleep. And when I say “time,” I mean about 19.5 years. And when I say “struggled,” I mean I despised sleep.

Yeah, yeah some people love sleeping in until noon, and having lunch for breakfast. I’m not one of them. I saw sleep as a curse, and the fact that I could not possibly keep awake for a week at a time as a flaw in humanity. The longest I stayed awake without sleeping was 51 hours… at which point I fell asleep with my eyes open while reading aloud and began narrating my dream. I traveled to dreamland via blanket and pillow not long thereafter.

The longer that I was awake, and the less that I was asleep, the more that I could accomplish—and that is a good thing! Accomplishment. See, it turns out that my spite for sleep was actually the gross manifestation of a deep-rooted sin: self-sufficiency. If I could accomplish everything, then I don’t really have a need for God. It took a debilitating blood disorder, a sermon series by Tullian Tchividjian, several books, and falling into explicitly noticeable sins for me to finally recognize the depth and grasp of the sin I am given to. However, that is not the point at this time.

Being forced to sleep and subsequently recognizing my bent toward self-sufficiency has opened up a world of worship I had never considered. You see, every night that I go to bed, I trust that God will keep the world spinning even while I’m gone. I trust that night will exasperate itself and be stricken by the sunrise. I trust that the walls surrounding me will support the ceiling and roof above my head. I trust that my heart will beat and my breath will steady. I trust God, the creator of the heavens, the creator of the earth, the creator of you, the creator of me. It is a glorious thing to recognize that I don’t need to even be alive—Jesus Christ will accomplish his work through the Holy Spirit even if I were dead. There are many other faithful disciples of Christ who will stand up and pursue the missio Dei concerning the world. The Spirit is mighty and able to enrapture others with the same vision of ministry I have and to accomplish everything I have set my mind to do and even more. Heck, maybe my vision is a flop anyway, and there are ambassadors more faithful than I who know the heart of God more intimately than I who have a stronger vision for the Church and the church. God does not need me. But I am so thankful that he chooses to use me.

An interesting thing occurred to me as I lay my head on my pillow a night or few ago. As I acclimated myself to the open window and down comforter, I considered this theology of sleep and of trust. My mind mused over the genuine possibility that I could not wake in the morning—however it might occur; perhaps a car through my wall, perhaps a stroke, who even knows? Then something else sauntered into my mind unannounced and unapologetically.

Note: this idea is not meant to scare you, but is intended to help you revel in the glory of the sustaining hand of God. Thus: what if I didn’t wake up tomorrow? But what if I hadn’t died? What if I was eclipsed in a coma of sorts? What would I be thinking of—would I be dreaming? But what about those around me? What if they came in to find me asleep and not waking up? What would happen? What would they do? How long would I remain in a hospital. What about my girlfriend? How hard would this be? And how long before she moved on? When would I wake up? Would I wake up? Would euthanasia be practiced upon me? What if after I went to sleep tonight, the next time I opened my eyes would be in a bright white room with an old grey-headed mom looking excitedly down at me? Followed by the commotion of nurses and a doctor… What if? Much of life will have passed by. Who knows about the latest technology or style cars; the state of the States or the faithful love of a faith-filled family?

The crazy thing is… this is actually a possibility.

Now, every night I go to sleep I pray that I will wake in the morning to live what God wants me to. I rest in his sovereign, wise, gracious love.

I trust.

And when I awake in the morning, I thank my Lord for the gift of another day and pray that I may use it fully to his praise and honor. And that I never rely on myself, but only on he who saved me from the curse of self and gives me another day to learn to trust him more.

Fiducia.